Saturday, January 27, 2018

Random thoughts

Snatching this moment from the mountain of available time....

I guess I started talking to you in my head the moment I heard the other you talk. With her I have had long talks into the nights, conversation bits when I walk down a hallway, sitting at peace in the privacy of a public stall, sitting back from the line watching cooks fry meat on wide stainless grills, so many conversations I'm having all with you. Sometimes you look like her and you move just like her, but inside the moves inside my head are silent words and open pauses, mindful gestures miming prepositions and adverbs. I have had sex with you and felt alive in all your verbs, color terms, prepositions and value-valent vectors, such bubbling tickle along my spine all this lifeforce within me you give me. Gave me.

We talk within dances and silences, and I don't know if I should have just told you the truth that I don't actually ever have a thought. It's certainly true I've acted thoughtlessly. But what happens in me isn't thinking with words. Mine are motions and spirits of the air inside my head. Trying to get them to become words is asking a cat to try shopping for groceries. The words are not where I met you; you became these movements of your projection into me, my injection of your viewpoint and my reception of your guile. All your ways of trying to reach me, there's where I felt your sense.

Somewhere along the way, the version of you inside me met the person who inspired it.

Out of time. To be continued...


  1. I guess I started talking to you in my head when I realized how similar you are to me. You appear in my dreams at night, you are with me in my classes, everywhere; and, all the while I am talking to you, and telling you everything I wish you could know.
    It scares me, how much I talk to you, and how much I have grown to like you.
    It scares me, how much I like you, because I know nothing can come of it.
    It scares me, because you do not even realize I exist.

  2. Are you talking to me or him or her or you?

  3. I guess I am talking to him, but I want to be talking to you.

  4. Seems to me you are talking now, and not easy to ignore.

    Part of what I'm working out is how much the person I talk to in my head is not the person who can talk through my ears, or even my eyes, to the other side in me. Maybe you have the version in your head because they are whatever you need in the moment to keep the narrative flowing, but the source for the image is fickle and lacks citations and abuses the distance a decent narrator requires.

  5. I doubt that. Most people ignore me. Most people have no idea I exist, which makes me question if you're one of them as well.

  6. Well, consider the possibilities how hiding in the shadows, or not making yourself known, or not engaging directly with others, contribute to not being noticed.

    I mean, it's often the people who talk with me, look me in the eyes, and respond to questions with evolving answers that I notice. I think other people are like that, as well.

    It takes me a while to move out of my shyness. Maybe it takes you much longer. If most people are ignoring you, but you *want* to be known, you will have to make an effort, the same as all of us have to make the effort.

    You choose the kind of reality you live within, and you choose, every moment, every instance, every time, the horizons of your world. Take responsibility of that part of your life, and you will begin to see the qualitative differences. Don't hold against others the ways you've already decided in advance how you will accept their responses to you.


Is this wise?
Is this yours?
Is this love?

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