Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Journal

May 16, 2017

I broke up with my girlfriend last night. It was not easy.

I was supposed to be doing a spelling bee tonight, but Colleen got sick again this morning and is now in the hospital. We were at urgent care for a long time before they transferred us to the hospital. I came home to change clothes, get some clothes for her, eat something, grab books, and head back. It's been many months since we've had to do this.

Buying a used car, maybe tomorrow. Two commuters with only one car is nuts.

I am in a funk because of all these things. Complex emotions, frustration, disappointment, and little time to rest.

Some time in the night, shadows came and stood by my bed. I don't know what they wanted, or if they were just dreamstuff, or if my overactive imagination kicked in. But I didn't shut my eyes. They sometimes close on their own, which is disconcerting. But I kept them open, or so I tried.

I feel the swamp of sadness pulling at my feet, my shins. Each step makes this inhaling sound when I pull out my feet, the harder I try to get through it. Slow and steady, there's less noise, but the sadness creeps into me if I go that slow.


This was about the time last year I started to really unwind and struggle with the depression. The huge drop in routine, social interaction, and funds that come with the end of Spring is hard on me. It's probably hard on a lot of people, too.



Please talk to me.

3 comments:

  1. You told me once that you were sure I must see the darkness in you. I didn't. At that time I was blinded by your brilliance. You are one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. When you are on point in the classroom, it is hard to keep up with your train of thought, but it was fun trying.

    You have so much to share in such a short amount of time within the bounds of your class time. Speaking as a former student, you deserve the award you won this year. It is obvious you take your job seriously, and you do it well. As an older person with plenty of life experience, I was surpriaed to learn how much I have yet to learn about the complexities of life.

    Outside of class, and while reading your blog, I now see the darkness you thought was obvious. It is blinding as well I suppose since I couldn't see it until you shared with us what you are going through in your private realm.

    I am sorry you are struggling again with depression. I have never experienced what you are going through, so I don't completely understand it, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you. She is back in the hospital tonight. I am doing okay, and I really appreciate the Arendtian language.

    I'm doing better than last year, but inside the violence whispers to me and it gets hard to say Nuhunh to it. Like, I want to hit my own self so hard, and I know it's just pain and misery, but something inside that pain really does feel good while also feeling so cruel. That's what makes it so difficult inside, because against myself all the abuse feels right since I am both victim and abuser, chooser and recipient, the fist and the head, but I also know that my self is divided this way because of what has happened over the years with never really connecting together my models for love and whom I came to for love, never really thinking it through. I just hurt myself and cried when things never seemed to fit.

    I'm getting better, but I'm still lonesome and unsure how to trust... Especially myself.

    ReplyDelete
  3. There is room inside of you to grow and develop trust. We are forever changing with each new experience. Our deepest grooves of thoughts can be rechanneled into paths that bring us where we want to be. Sometime we get stuck in a deep rut that used to protect us, but no longer brings us comfort.

    When our ruts are small, they can often be redirected on our own. You have tried this. Maybe it is time to seek out an expert to help you. Someone who you can tell everything to without fear of judgement. Someone who can build upon your strengths and help you trust yourself.

    Hurting yourself is not okay, just like it is not ok for anyone else to hurt you, but you know this. I am glad you are reaching out to talk about what is real. The world doesn't need more bullshit. We need open honest dialogue when life sucks, then we wouldn't feel so isolated and alone when we struggle.

    ReplyDelete

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Is this yours?
Is this love?

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