Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Journal

February 14, 2017.

Today is Valentine's Day.

So, earlier I expressed my frustrations and my emotions in this public place, and I want to say that I am doing much better. It's probably not always wise to say publicly what you are feeling when you are very vulnerable and hurting, but we do this anyway to gain something like accountability for ourselves. Or, at least, I think so.

We made our amends and talked through our perspectives. We made mistakes and we acknowledged them.

I do want to say that I was not saying there is only one form love can take. I am saying that whatever flows through me and within me when I feel like these things called love, I cannot ever bundle them away and deny them. I tried that for a decade and more, and it did not work.

I have been seeing someone new, and this new relationship works within the contours laid down for it by our mutual partners' requests. I have been in places like this before, where my own partner and another's partner shape how fast or how involved this new relationship grows. It is not easy, but then a relationship that is "easy" probably isn't worth the growth and the learning and the spirit claimed for it. I want to be a better man and person through my relationships, and to become better, I must change what is no longer harmonious.

Learning another person's likes, dislikes, verbal patterns, shoulder shrugs, eye rolls, lip twists, smells, hugs, &c: engaging and captivating, especially when you already do like the person and find them interesting.

How the energies blend together takes time and listening. We can get so caught within safe and comfortable routines we don't see how repetitive and numbing they are. Time collapses what's remained the same, and so ten weeks spent doing the same things becomes just three in the retelling. "What did you do today?" "Oh, the usual. Work, drive, eat, watch." "How's life been treating you?" "The same, as always." Then three years goes by and you still talk about outdated commercials or Internet memes from ten years ago.

In a week, Colleen and I will have been together for six years. We have done a lot of growing in that time, and I have changed so much. Sure, a lot of that change was sudden and occurred midway through last year, but then it was coming. It was foretold. I just didn't see how the threads came together and held firm, didn't see the rope in the air I'm now climbing up. Sometimes I know I am climbing faster than Colleen wants. Other times I know that she doesn't even need to climb anything; we have our own paths, each of us.

She and I made a choice to grow and die together. The bond, for life and always. We will test that bond often, or else we are not human. We will layer upon that bond a mighty home in which we both gather our strength and release into rest, or else we are not human. We will one day see how that bond holds us together through the veil, and in that, we are definitely human.

Old and new love feed into each other, in me, to be One Love, the loves I am/We are unfolding and reaching out, blossoming on one side and rooting on the other, fruiting on another side and leafing on one more. As one as all the trees are one, when they mingle where humans cannot go. Endless limbs reaching outward into endless night plowed and plumbed with dirty wiggling fingers, seeking out the joy of earth wet with groundscent.

I carry around with me a small quartz marble. It was in an impulse-buy bowl near one of the registers at Phoenix & Dragon. I learned from some reading about such quartz crystals that they can store emotional resonance. I take it all with a grain of salt, sure, but I also know that the curious thing about magic is that expecting it to conform to as rigid an orthodoxy as common sense means it won't work at all.

Belief is powerful, and it shapes reality around it when the will coincides with belief's end. The proliferation of magical and theological and spiritual systems has never really altered the persistence of the paranormal, how it influences our lives through the glitches and squirks of modern technological reliability. I'm trying to say that I'm learning how it doesn't really matter what you believe as much as it does how and where and that you believe. The systems you invoke to shape reality and its hidden aspects, if enough of the universe agrees with your intentions, will come to be. It's just many folks don't think the Universe has its will, its desires, its questions, its eagerness for your persuasion.

So I carry around this marble to record my life. I try to keep it near me all the time, but I found that when I am suffering or frustrated, I am careful with it. When I am mindful that I do have it near me or on me, I try to live well, do justly, with humor, with compassion.

Maybe it's a mindfulness thing. Maybe it's "all in my head."

But then again I think about the beautiful weirdness that an old record will store an entire symphony with all its many instruments and voices and layers in a single winding groove. We live in a universe we think we have figured out, because we are so technologically advanced in comparison with the people we imagine our ancestors stupidly were. We forget they talked with gods and chalk it up to superstition. We don't realize we are constantly walking through the dead until someone reminds us.

I hope you, out there, find the love that's real. If you cannot reach out and touch your beloved, then touch your own forehead and touch whatever material things there are around you. Love will find you so long as you keep reaching out.



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