Sunday, October 16, 2016

Raw and real

Let me be raw and real for a moment.

I am sitting in my own bed, trying to not go mad and do anything reckless, trying to find peace when insanity beckons, trying to not get carried away with the moment. I am never alone, but she's not with me, my new wife.

We had just finished the ceremony, and we were on our way back down from the mountains. She had thrown up once on the way up. I think we were taking the turns too quickly, but I wasn't driving nor leading. She threw up one more time on the way back, and then she didn't stop. When I left her not even an hour ago, she had still been throwing up.

I want to say all kinds of things about the ceremony. I have never been to a wedding like that. I had never seen the magic so real. I know there are doors opening all around me, now. I know there are dangerous things out there. I know I am a dangerous thing, too.

But I want to say that I am lonely right now, and frustrated, and slightly mad.

I was riding up on the elevator with her on a mobile hospital bed. She was just a tiny face exposed, swaddled by ratty white hospital blankets. She looks like such a small human. We get off the elevator, and then I look up to see my ex-brother-in-law. He works at the hospital, so that's not unusual. He looks over at me and smiles when he recognizes me, and then I see and recognize whom he was speaking with. She's my ex-wife.

So, I turn back, to hear him say, "Small world!"

As we walk past them, I say hello and say "It is a small world. That's my new wife over there. We just got married last night."

They expressed surprise. "Congratulations on getting married, but I'm sorry you have to start it off this way."

I'm not sure why I said it, but it came out, "Well, you know, what goes around comes around."

I don't know what it means, or when it's supposed to be used, but it seems like nonsense to me. Sometimes my mouth says the weirdest things.

To me, though, it kinda means I knew this when I married her and I knew this is how it'll be. I knew the struggles coming into this, and I know what will go out from this.

I have not slept soundly for a while now, and I'm not the only one who's been up for a while. My sufferings are not the worst, not even in this time. I want to have the means to give sound sleep to the ones I love. I want to cure cancer and fight AIDS. I want to solve all the worlds problems by rewriting them.

I have too many rare events in my life for me to think it's ordinary. So, I rationally conclude it must be extraordinary. All the pain and all the pleasure I take part in around me, it is a pattern of repetitions and loops and cross-overs, do-overs, getting it right the first time by letting it go wrong the right time.


Love is not easy. But it is a force of drawing things in. The only resistance one has to love is pushing off. If there is any giving-way at all, then gravitational attraction holds. If there was a particular way the two glided past one another, then those orbits might hold up and become stable. Some people come close every seventy years. Some people are only slightly away, slightly towards, but stably locked. Some people just swerve past each other and keep sailing on. Some asymmetric people end up with one person moving always forward with the other either crashed on the surface or captured in a chaotic orbit that eventually results in crashing. Love is not easy, not any easier than turning tumbling rocks and exploding gas into solar systems.

It just takes time, collisions, mass, and vector. So, patience, healing, gathering, and determination: this is what makes love stable.

Otherwise, it is the preparation through failure for even better worldmaking. We are the dust of all prior romances, gathered together and made to hold souls capable of enjoying the greatest show on earth. We are the ashes of all prior love, burned away into useful elements eager for more complex arrangements.

Crash and burn, heat and light, elemental eagerness and universal attraction. I'm talking about love. I'm talking about stars. I'm also taking about StarStar, who is several miles away and distant inside her pain. She should be, about now, settling into the helpful fog of pharmacy relief. Finally, a doctor who cares enough to risk prescribing what nature made to calm us down and release our pain! And so, I'm also talking about that: what does it mean to care? What does it mean to cure?

What is my sickness that they want to fix me, the way they want her fixed? We are our sicknesses, these days.

I'm okay with insanity, I guess. When I think about the happiness in my life now and the happiness I was told I would have, I choose this happiness. Why isn't it enough, though?

I guess I know why. I can get carried away with things.

I am getting ready to fall asleep, to experience the dreams I am. I miss her. This is a long wedding night.

1 comment:

  1. A night neither of Us will forget;
    The Magic in the woods,
    The sickness in the body,
    The Love we make together,
    All is one,
    All is Love

    ReplyDelete

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