Thursday, June 09, 2016

Balance

Their hearts are all beating faster. The smiles flow easily, naturally. Eyes dazzle with inward light. Faces smile so vulnerably hands reach up to cover but not completely conceal them. Inside each of these hearts, smiles, eyes, faces, hands lives a people.

I am gay. Happy. At peace with being open to anything happening recklessly, because its all soft landings and bumper guards. A magic trick? I love magic tricks. It's not a trick? Oh, right! It's an illusion! Okay, show me. What do I do?

He shuffles the deck. He is spreading them out, and he is drunk. Or, as he said, fucking drunk. I'm not sure the difference, but then I'm a newbie at all this. She says she knows which one I'm going to pick. Hey! Isn't that the trick in the first place? Pick one, you say?

Movements, arrangements, patterns unfold in conversations. She stands to my right, and so does she, and they are binary stars. She stands across from me, he is to my left but turned towards the center, and he is the center. I just hope through this drunk fucking he feels better, feels okay, feels the way he makes me feel. I'll pick this card.

Comfortable, open to chaos, and losing my ego, I fall out from my body into their deepnesses. It's physics. It's gravity. It's balance to fall for everyone, isn't it?

Far above, sliding on Her way down, is a sliver of my lover's skin. In the starry sky She is peeling back shadows from Her scarry face while softly turning towards full shine. She is patient and expectant: the night is coming. But now, here amidst this magic of reckless chance, I look up to Her and open inside myself.

There, in my own deepness, in my own heart, I hear I am not alone when someone speaks through me. Okay, show me. What do I do?



Much later, I say to him before leaving, Three of Clubs. He corrects me, says it was Four of Diamonds. Others say Five of Diamonds, but that was a separate trick just for them. He says my memory is fucked up. But he's misremembering. The first card I pulled using a countertrick was exactly the Four of Diamonds, but I flipped it wrong to accidentally reveal it. The second trick, I pulled the Three of Clubs and put it in my pocket, and everyone was well agreed that this probably is what threw off the magic, but I had to put it in my pocket because I'm horrible with playing card tricks the right way. The third trick, when he eventually did get it right and on purpose, it was the Four of Diamonds.

—Yes, it did happen that way, that the card came up twice. Which cards did he get wrong when I pocketed the Three of Clubs? He first showed the Queen of Diamonds then the Queen of Hearts. I noticed a theme at this point, and you, did you have something to do with that?

Funnily enough, Three of Clubs is, according to the Internet's lore, my own birthday card.

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