Thursday, May 26, 2016

Turning

The sunrise. I was sitting on our road, looking east, hearing only the one bird. The goats were with me, and I was with them, and we were on the road and on the side. They were eating and watching and shaking off bites from bugs. I was watching the sunrise.

Good days come. Bad days go. Good days go. Bad days come. It's some order like that.

What's it mean when your therapist doesn't show up, and there's no one in the church but the secretary, who drives a red ladybug with attached black eyelashes over the headlights, and you didn't even want to go, because you didn't want to have to waste the time to listen to someone tell me to do what I already know I need to do?

The rest of that day was pretty thwarted, too. But I told Colleen the next day that I kinda felt not so bad about that day, because despite all the misfires and mistakes, I didn't implode inside and end it crying. Then today on the way to work there's this song by that group I didn't ever really pay attention to, and the song is going "Today is the greatest day I have ever known."

Like my student Tiffany said, "Interesting, but true." So I do think there is a conspiracy to convince me the Universe has a meaning hidden from my view, because even when I'm trying to do something better than nothing with my life, it cannot help but work the days of my life into one humorous joke.

I programmed myself to think about philosophy in terms of comedy, a stand-up routine, whose narrative leads to a punchline. The punchline is a twist, an unexpected thwarting of the meaning intended whose end result is a smiling introspection and an assurance.

When you get the joke, you're in. That's how all of it seems to me.

That's how I thought about Pascal. It's in a lot of the work I do now. Work in myself, work in the classroom, work at work. I'm looking to see what the punchline is, but also learning in the release how to laugh.

Anyway, I think I'm better.

I think I'm alright.

For tonight.

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