Friday, March 20, 2015

and sat down beside her

You have this way of smiling after you say those things you doubt but still say that I admire. It's as though we're now in this together, a kind of joking truth we're unsure is right. Irony. That's it.

You listen to me talk and sometimes I see you're lost. Maybe you don't know that I'm not really in control of where the chariot goes, at least not yet. But let me tell you: the journey is just as new for me as it is for you.

Honestly, if I can be honest in a way I know you won't hear, if not for a long time at least forever, I have no idea how we could all make it work. I want it to evolve and be free and grow responsibly. What I am learning through all this is a kind of patience about love and regret and discipline.

And just when I think I understand who I am and who you are, there you go and smile and say something clever. You make me feel like a genius because I can listen to you and understand every nuance and turn. Yet you will tell me, so sooner than I will tell you what I think, how your words flimble out and flippilate on the page. You do not trust your words.

But you trust me, somehow, to listen to you speak ironically, as though you expect me to follow you maybe the way I expect you to follow. It's maybe the way we're both still hung up on other mistakes where we both thought this darkstained attraction was beginning to be something wonderful with someone right. Our scars are still fresh. Our trust is just starting out, but

It is clear neither one of us is at the time to say it.

So, in the meantime, I apologize if my confusion confuses you, if my crosses all get signalled. This is all new to me. It hasn't happened this way before.

But... it is happening.

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Is this wise?
Is this yours?
Is this love?

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