Monday, February 09, 2015

You are my secret.

Are we ready?


It starts a far way aways from here, out in the void out past the stars. I have never been there, but I can go there in my mind. I like to think you can, too, but we'll see. It's a region of nothing pure chance pushed out past as far as we will ever go. It's nothing to us, since there's no curve we'll ever be able to take to get there. But this is what makes it all the more scary when you learn that's where they came from. Scientists have sat down and computed that there are regions of existence who are expanding out past the furthest we could go if we moved at the speed of light as soon as we started existing as a species, as earthlings, as pieces of dust shooting off from our dying motherstar. If we had been moving at the speed of light, as far as we'd get going at that rate, it still won't be enough for us to reach them before they reached us.

They are stunning. I used to think beauty was such a sexual feeling. The moment when you froze staring at the most beautiful thing I used to think was caused by blood rushing to, well, you know where. I was young and Southern, my excuse for being so ignorant is in my genes. I gradually got used to the idea that beauty was something the early philosophers got up to talk about, and not because they were easily aroused. Philosophers, we are all lazy people. What gets us up, what gets us going, it has to be good. So, when I first saw them, I was prepared to accept that beauty does something to the heart that has nothing to do with sex or lust. I was prepared to fall in love with the beauty that captivates the soul.

I just wasn't prepared to see the beauty of evil things.

There, that's stunning.

I don't know what to call them. You'll have to ask them to explain things to you, but I'll do the best I can. If I sell you on it, then at least I'll have done my job. But if nothing happens, then we all know that's what was always meant to happen, and we'll not be around to think anything of it. So I'll say this much about them. I know they're called the n'rth.

I know they aren't right, and I know what they do is something evil. What do I mean? I mean, think about all the science fiction shows and movies you've seen. Include comic books in this category. Think about what the greatest evil things in those stories do. They are all destroyers. Even when Ozymandias wins while everyone loses their souls, we see what's destroyed in the dead eyes of the people he's killed. The daleks are the laughable clown villains of today, and even they have to be destroyers. It gets to the point where the only meaningful ways to talk about our heroes and gods is by somehow legitimating destruction, since we're surrounded now by something that's just gotten worse the longer we told ourselves it's getting better. We just don't believe in the gods we used to, which isn't to say they exist, because who can know a thing like that? I'm just saying the gods we're used to don't impress us anymore, since we now know better. They are us, and always will be, but with more power. More science. Which brings me back to my point: they exist. Scientific evolution is a perfection in the capacity to destroy. The n'rth, by definition, are our technological superiors. They are even metaphysically our superiors. It's not that they have "more advanced technology". It's not that they are outpacing us. They came from outside outer space. They came to destroy. They are the greatest evil we will ever know, because they are the greatest technological culture we could ever know. Perfect, complete, and total.

Ontologically speaking, therefore, they exist.

They exist to destroy life.

But they are beautiful.

It has to make you pause, like it did me. Several times.

Writing this isn't easy, since I have to keep an eye over my shoulder these days. You'll understand why. But I'm glad you decided to read this, since that's my only way out of this hole, this cave. The sooner you get this done, the sooner I'll be free of it.

Just one thing more. It won't make sense now. I assure you, it will some day, I promise. But,

You once showed me something one night, while we were there staring into each other's eyes. I saw into the darkness a kind of intense cosmic joke about love, a word I've been thinking a lot about lately. The joke was this. The person I'm looking into is nobody other than my self, just a tiny mixed-up image I am straining to see inside your eyes. How was it I fell in there, anyway? What will happen if I try and crawl inside your eyes to meet myself so well hidden inside your darkness? It's not this part that's the joke. The joke is that you're doing the same thing at the same time, and suddenly we're neither of us paying any attention to that. We're off doing something else while the lips, the fingers, the hairs, tingle and come alive and misdirect and tickle and tuggle and tin-tilla-twaddle us into something going bump in the night.

That's how I knew I was crazy about you.

That's how I knew I was saved.

Because you turned me on.

So, that leads me here.

What if I'm right?

Then I'll be happy.

Is that worth the price of being wrong?

Well, that's philosophy.

1 comment:

Is this wise?
Is this yours?
Is this love?

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