Wednesday, January 22, 2014

September

"I can't say why, but I just feel so peaceful around you."

"I get that a lot. But we were talking about you."

"Do you like vanilla?"

"You mean, the ice cream?"

"Yes, of course that's what I mean."

"I like all kinds of ice cream. I used to like the kind with all the chunks of chocolate and nuts and ripples of fudge. But I've grown up enough to appreciate a solid, consistent flavor. Vanilla isn't my first choice."

"I like it, too. I like to have syrup on mine. Caramel, I mean caramel."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... okay, so the other day, when you stopped by, and I said some things, and we started... don't make me have to say it... when we started, kissing. Was that... was that real? Are we for real? Is this for real? Oh please, god."

"Slow down. Yes. Yes, it was for real. Those were real kisses."

"Okay, but why? Why now? What reasons can you possibly have to kiss me?"

"Since when do I need a reason? If I need a reason, then it's this. It's you. You are the reason."

"This doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense. We're friends. We were always just friends. We are always just friends."

"Friends? Okay. But friendships are a bit weird. For me. I have a hard time separating one intimacy from another."

"Well, you're going to have to. You have to know this isn't going to happen. That did happen. It was a mistake. We got out of hand. But if this is going to be an issue..."

"What kind of issue? So far as I'm concerned there's no issue."

"Wait, what?"

"So far as I'm concerned, we are friends. We are always just friends."

"God, I'm so confused. Are we friends or are we...?"

"What? We what?"

"Don't make me have to say it."

"See, this is what I love about you. You and I both know what you want to say, and you and I both know why you can't say it. So you act as though I have to be the one so that I'll fall on the sword and be the one. Then you get to act important and the serious one, while I get to be the jerk who tempted the damsel."

"There was no temptation."

"Like I said. But what you are not hearing right is so simply put. I know all of this. I also love all my friends the same. You know all this, too. It's not an innocent game."

"You are really going to talk about this? Really? I am prepared to have that discussion."

"I know. I want to have this discussion. You and I both need to have this discussion."

"We are having this discussion."

"Yes. We both just said, we're discussing."

"Right."

"Yes."

"Then tell me what you know. Tell me why you did it. Tell me why any of this."

"When you told me about what happened with you and Jerome, I started to feel our time together was different. You told me something, something so intimate. Rare things you only share with friends."

"You are my friend."

"Yes, but more. We all share things with different people. Some secrets you share with the ones you make love to, some with the ones you fuck, some with only anonymous strangers over the Internet. You shared something with me on a level with what I cannot share with anyone."

"But I thought you knew all of that?"

"See? That's the point. That's the crazy point. This is how I know I'm the one who's fucked up and why we're okay. You thought I knew all of that. How could I possibly? How really?"

"Because everyone knows. Everyone knows my dirty little secret."

"But not me. I didn't know it. I didn't even know there was something to possibly know."

"Be real. For godssake, they had to told you. Someone had to."

"No. But you knew all that. Maybe not up there, but down below in the heart. The place where we all know things but don't know how or why, so you don't remember how it got in your heart. You knew there.
"And you knew what it would do to me to find out. You knew if you needed me ever to be yours, you tell me, you alone. You'd have me. You knew all this. So you told me. It was all about you reaching out to me, to make me feel like you really needed me. A hook from god right into my flesh, right where I feel everything. You knew all this."

"I didn't..."

"Yes, but no. We both have known how I feel about deepening friendships. We both know how vulnerable we are. We gave in. But what's worse, is that I am the one who should know better."

"What?"

"No, I don't mean it like that. I mean it this way. You put out there what you wanted, and you did what you had to do, because you're learning like any other person how to act. Same as me. So when it came time for my turn, I had to choose in that moment what it means for me to be consistent. I'm not choosing against the grain. I'm not choosing an option out of a list of possible ones. I'm choosing how I want reality to be.
"You made your choice. Your choice was to give the choice to me. So in that moment, I always have the freedom to choose. You said things to me that made me have to choose who is going to be the one for this reality. In my heart, I already know all the answers. I know better. I know better than anyone on this earth who I am supposed to be.
"And I fucking blew it. I kissed you."

"Now, hold on, I did kiss you back. You're not a martyr, Jesus Christ."

"So one minute you want to put me up as the instigator but the next I'm a collaborator?"

"No, one minute you're paying attention and the next you're thinking ahead. Stop and listen for once.
"I do like you. I love so many different things about you. You turn me on, sometimes. But just because I get turned on doesn't mean anything. I learned in my own lifetime how to negotiate wanting one thing and smashing into the other. I learned how to put aside all that and get on with it. Just because your body feels something doesn't mean indulging it. It doesn't mean it's wrong or bad. It's just a whole side of life we have to admire but from a distance. Sometimes a very far distance.
"You are amazing, and you have lucky loves. But this isn't going to happen again."

"And I'm trying to tell you, it won't. Maybe I had to go through something like this to learn what you did a long time ago. I had to learn how to turn it all off. You can only learn all that, though, by learning in the first place there's a switch down there."

"Yeah, yeah I guess so."

"So."

"So."

"So. So are we cool?"

"Fuck you, no."

"Now, now, didn't we just say that wasn't going to happen?"

"I wasn't meaning proper fuck."

"What, which time?"

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